


how to let go

by chiarascura



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Future Fic, M/M, The Calling, Warden Carver Hawke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-05-31 05:19:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6457441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiarascura/pseuds/chiarascura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warden Commander Carver Hawke is hearing the Calling. Felix has a hard time with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [Two Hawkes Are Better Than One](http://professionallilbrocarverhawke.tumblr.com/post/141829512977/two-hawkes-are-better-than-one-hawke-twin) character appreciation week
> 
> I am so sorry.

The hinges creaked as the door slowly opened, and the room emitted a burst of stale air into Carver’s face. He coughed at the musty smell of old parchment and ink as he stepped inside the library, blinking until his eyes adjusted to the darkness.  
  
The familiar figure at the table slumped into his books, a single candle burning down nearby throwing shadows across the room. Felix slept on. Carver was loath to disturb him, knowing how little sleep he had gotten the past month exhausting himself with research.  
  
Carver leaned against the doorframe and watched the gentle rise and fall of Felix’s back, and the memory of mornings spent lying across his chest with his face pressed into Felix’s neck rose in his mind. All of the days and nights they spent together, entwined in bed and cuddling or gripping each other tightly to prove the other was truly there and alive.  
  
The last fourteen years were not all easy, but they were spent together, and that’s what mattered.  
  
Felix had been his rock. It hadn’t begun that way, when the Inquisitor called upon Carver to save the blight-diseased mage, and their fates entwined. Felix looked so sickly, pale and wan, like a stiff breeze would knock him over and Carver seriously doubted his ability to survive the Joining. Carver’s suspicion and resistance to letting a mage from Tevinter into the Order almost won out, but he needed help. He had been on the run from Warden Commander Clarel, trying to find the source of the false calling, and when the Inquisitor offered Felix as support, Carver took the opportunity. It had not been a mistake.  
  
 Through the threat of Corypheus, Marian’s sacrifice, the subsequent decimation of the Warden Order, Felix had been a steady, powerful influence by his side. At first, the influence had been annoying and always in the bloody way. Felix asked so many questions, thirsty for knowledge like a dying man in the Western Approach. He wasn’t a particularly powerful mage, but he was a strategic tactician and skilled at finding an enemy’s weak spot.  
  
Carver tried to avoid him after they arrived at Vigil’s Keep. Carver just lost his sister, most of his brothers and sisters in the Order, and had been expelled from his previous station at Ansberg for his defection from Clarel. Carver still didn’t know why, but Felix had been determined, following him like a shadow even during Carver’s bleakest moods. It took a year before Carver broke and recognized his own feelings as romantic love, but Felix was there to catch him.  
  
Carver thanked the Maker that he had gotten over his pigheadedness by the time he was pushed forward for Warden-Commander. Ambushed by others who didn’t want the position and held up as a hero by the younger ones who didn’t know any better, Carver found himself with the mantle of leadership without any real clue what he was doing. What a disaster that would have been without Felix’s help adjusting to the massive responsibility and being in the limelight. More than once Felix distracted him from brooding with a suggestion or a kiss.  
  
Now, their time was almost up. The song in his head called sweetly, hauntingly, seductively. Carver swallowed hard against the lump in his throat and stared at Felix sleeping among the books, burning the image into his brain to take with him into the Deep Roads. He had scheduled the departure for three other Wardens hearing the Calling and him two weeks from now. It wasn’t enough time, it was never enough time.  
  
He had twenty-five good years after the Deep Roads under Kirkwall. It was more than most Wardens could ask for. He railed against the Calling when it first started, but over the past few weeks, he’d come to accept it.  
  
At least he would see Bethany again. Marian, his mother, his father, everyone he had known in his previous life and many of the Wardens he knew in this one.    
  
Felix, on the other hand, had not given up. It was why he slept in the library instead of in their bed these past few nights, searching endlessly for a cure that did not exist. He wouldn’t listen to Carver, only insisted that he knew it was out there, he was so close he could taste it.  
  
Carver shuffled toward the table, favoring his bad leg. It ached, not as badly as sometimes, but it was near-constant at this point. He leaned a hip against the sturdy wood and carded a hand through Felix’s hair.  
  
Felix’s face was soft and lax in sleep. The crows feet around his eyes and laugh lines around his mouth deepened in the past few years, and his beard was more salt than pepper now. He was still just as handsome as ever. He stirred and hummed contentedly under Carver’s touch, and his eyelids fluttered as he rose to consciousness.  
  
Carver ignored the burning behind his eyes that came with the sight of his sleepy lover. They had two weeks left together. He wouldn’t waste any more of it. He leaned over Felix’s shoulders, wrapping his arms across Felix’s neck and chest.  
  
“Come to bed, love,” he whispered.  
  
Carver felt Felix’s shoulders stiffen beneath him. “I can’t. I need to… I’m almost there.”  
  
Carver pressed a kiss to Felix’s neck, enjoying the way he squirmed at the scritch of Carver’s beard on the sensitive skin. “I know you are, but you need to sleep.”  
  
Felix shook him off, and Carver backed up. He gripped the back of Felix’s chair and his head hung between his shoulders. “No, Carver. I need to keep working. I know I can find it. I know I can save you.” His voice broke on the last two words, and Carver’s heart broke a little with it.  
  
“Fee…” Carver sighed. “Please.”  
  
Felix’s elbows dropped onto the table, and he put his face in his hands. His shoulders shook with the force of his sobs. “I can’t do this. I need you here, Carver. I don’t know how to do this without you.”  
  
Carver lifted Felix from the chair and brought him into a tight embrace. Felix’s arms wrapped around his middle while Carver’s arms gripped his shoulders, both hanging on for dear life.  Carver let Felix cry, feeling his shirt dampen where Felix’s face pressed against it. Carver screwed his eyes shut when the burning became too much. A few hot tears leaked out.  
  
The candle went out with a flicker and a pop.  
  
When Felix’s shoulders dropped and he leaned into Carver fully, Carver loosened his grip. He pressed a kiss into Felix’s hair and slowly led them out of the library into the torch-lit hallway, toward their chamber.


	2. Chapter 2

Felix threw the book across the room, feeling a vicious pride when it knocked several other books off the shelf and tumbled to the floor. An angry shout erupted from his chest and he clenched his hands into fists, wanting to hurt, to damage, to cause pain like he felt.   
  
This was useless, his anger here was not helping anyone, least of all himself. Felix rifled his hands through his hair, pulling at the strands until the pain overwhelmed him, and holding it until the physical sensation distracted him from the emotional pain of what lay ahead that day.  
  
He swept his arms across the surface of his desk, shoving another stack of books and sheaves of paper onto the floor with a clatter. He couldn’t contain the scream of rage that came out, the useless emotion that couldn’t do anything.   
  
He was out of time. This was it. He wanted to burn everything to the ground.   
  
If only he had done more research, if only his father had been around to help him with the magic instead of the theory, if only there were better books with more information, if, if, if—   
  
Someone knocked on the door to the library and after a moment, pushed it open. “Ser? They’re ready.”  
  
Felix swallowed hard. “Thank you,” he choked out, and waited to hear footsteps disappearing before he exhaled on a sob. He let himself cry for only one minute, then took three deep breaths. He wiped his face with a handkerchief and left the library.   
  
He slowed his steps through the Keep, stretching out the time as much as possible.   
  
The courtyard was full of people scurrying around, preparing for the departure that day. The new Warden Commander, a sturdy woman by the name of Tanha, overlooked the controlled chaos with a keen eye. Felix did not meet her eye as he passed by, kept his gaze on the ground.   
  
Carver waited near the wagon loaded with goods, a head above everyone around him and his eyes scanned the grounds. Felix felt the dread pool in his stomach, knowing Carver searched for him, but he couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye yet. Sigrun stood at Carver’s shoulder, and said something that made him smile, yet Felix could see the pain in the tightness of his jaw, the set of his shoulders.   
  
When Carver started to look frantic, glancing between the main Keep entrance and the gate, Felix felt his limbs unfreeze. He crossed the open yard, and people seemed to know instinctively to move out of his way.  
  
Carver’s face lit up at the sight of him for a split second, in that familiar way Felix had grown used to, the way he knew his own face did the same when he saw Carver. Then, as Carver remembered where they were and what was happening, the grief returned. Felix bit the inside of his cheek as he stepped up.  
  
Carver’s jaw tightened, his shoulders slumped, his eyes grew red-rimmed. Felix shook his head minutely. They said their goodbyes the night before, pressing them into kisses along each other’s skin or whispers into their mouths. Warden Commander Hawke did not want to create a scene as he left, wanted his goodbye to be noble and stoic and graceful. Carver, however, didn’t seem to be able to help himself.  
  
Felix swallowed hard against the lump in his throat and blinked hard, but the tears rolled down his face despite his best efforts.   
  
Carver pulled Felix into his arms and squeezed, and Felix couldn’t help squeezing him back. This was the end. Carver was leaving, forever. The Calling he heard led him to Orzammar, to the Deep Roads for his final mission.   
  
They stood motionless for many long moments. Everything outside of them dimmed and narrowed, and all that existed were their two bodies. Felix shifted his face in Carver’s shoulder, inhaling deeply the smell of his best friend, his partner, his world.   
  
Eventually, outside sounds filtered back into his head. Horses whinnying impatiently, porters and squires shouting across the yard, other Wardens whispering nearby. Carver relaxed his hold and Felix pulled away.   
  
Carver’s watery eyes said everything his words couldn’t. _Goodbye, I love you, I don’t want to leave, I don’t know how I’ll go on without you_. Felix felt his own start to fill again as he viciously thought, _you don’t have to go on without me, I have to go on without_ you. He gritted his teeth against the lump in his throat rising again.   
  
Carver nodded decisively and turned away, hoisting himself into a seat in the wagon. Felix watched, but it was like he was outside himself, looking down from a very far distance. Carver wouldn’t look at him again, and Felix understood. It was just too painful.  
  
Sigrun came up to him and shook his hand. “Don’t worry, Felix. It will be alright.”   
  
Felix nodded. “For you, I’m sure. Haven’t you been waiting for this for years?”  
  
Sigrun snorted. “Yeah, I died a long time ago. Had a funeral and everything. This is just returning to the Stone. It’s about time.” She smirked a little, surely reliving her own memories of the Legion of the Dead and the last time she was in the Deep Roads.   
  
Felix tried to smile, but based on Sigrun’s expression, it turned out more like a grimace. “It’s been an honor to know you, Sigrun.”  
  
Sigrun patted him on the shoulder and hopped into the wagon beside Carver.  
  
As the other two departing Wardens joined them, the wagon started to roll away.   
  
The crowd thinned around where Felix stood, leaving empty space. The wagon passed under the gate, and Carver looked back. He raised a hand, and Felix returned the gesture. He was frozen in the yard, unable to move or speak or think about anything else, watching until the wagon turned a corner and disappeared from sight.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please note the "major character death" tag
> 
> skip to chapter 4 if you need a happy ending, this one is dark

Felix’s eyes burned, but he blinked through the pain until he could focus on the words in front of him. He was so close to a cure he could taste it. The words blurred on the page, but he kept scanning them. If he could only just…  
  
Wait. He jolted straight up in his seat and re-read the paragraph before him three more times, just to make sure he got it right. This old journal detailed an ancient Warden Commander’s daily life, only including the most mundane details of his meals, his training schedule, and memorably his bowel movements. Felix almost gave up on it, but a few vague references to a potion that ‘would shake the Order to its very core,’ made him persevere.  
  
Now, in this passage, he wrote of something sinister, some combination of alchemy and blood magic, but with just enough clarity to describe a potion that would cure a Warden. The page didn’t include exactly what the Warden will be cured of, but it was enough for Felix to try.  
  
Felix jumped from his seat, knocking the chair backwards onto the floor with a clatter. This was it, this was truly it. He grabbed the book and ran as fast as he could towards the old laboratory.  
  
He hadn’t truly slept in the five days since Carver left. He took short naps on the low couch in the library, only leaving the room to visit the laboratory, to use the facilities or eat the most basic meals. Sometimes Maura, an older elven Warden who took it upon herself to care for him since he clearly wouldn’t care for himself, brought him meals at irregular intervals, and Felix only kept track of the days by counting how many candles he burned.  
  
Felix ran as fast as his legs could carry him, passing a surprised-looking Maura in the hallway, and stopped only once he reached the lab. He rifled through the ingredients in the old cabinet, cursing the lack of upkeep. Darkspawn had been quiet for the past decade, so the steward found it unnecessary to maintain the lab as well as Felix would like.  
  
Black lotus, raw lyrium, amrita vein, powdered volcanic aurum… They only seemed to be missing dragon blood, and as Felix carried the ingredients to the work table, he cataloged each merchant nearby that might sell it.  
  
Maura followed him into the laboratory with a quiet call of his name. He responded with a low grunt, not even turning to see her.  
  
“Sweetheart, what are you doing?” She rested a gentle hand on his shoulder, and he finally turned to look at her. The pity in her eyes was too much to bear, and he shrugged her off.  
  
“I’ve found it. I finally did it. It was right there in front of me, and I can make it. I can save him.” His voice scratched at his throat after days of disuse. His hands blurred before him as tears filled his eyes, and they shook and dropped to the counter.  
  
Maura made a soothing sound and pulled his unresisting body into an embrace. “Alright, Felix. You say you’ve found it. But what will you do with it? Carver and the others left a week ago. How long will it take you to brew this cure-all? Felix, I’m sorry, but—“  
  
Felix ripped himself away from her. He couldn’t hear _you need to let go_ one more time. “I’ll be fine, Maura. Please. Just, let me do this.”  
  
Maura stood silent behind him. She heaved a heavy sigh before shuffling back to the door and leaving Felix alone in the laboratory.  
  
He stood, head fallen between his shoulders and weight on his palms flat on the counter. He could do this, he _needed_ to do this. He would make the potion, ride to Orzammar and save Carver. He had to.  
  
—  
  
Felix passed through Orzammar without incident, his armor and his ragged appearance saying more than his words could. The dwarves at the gates to the city and the ones guarding the entrance to the Deep Roads barely gave him a second glance as he passed by, obviously having just dealt with Carver’s group not long before. That day, maybe? Could Felix be that close?  
  
He saw the Wardens’ camp earlier that day just outside Orzammar, fresh enough to indicate they were still relatively close to the entrance of the tunnels. Felix prayed he reached them in time, before they engaged too many darkspawn to overcome.  
  
Felix hadn’t been to the Deep Roads in years, especially not after Carver became Warden Commander. Everyone knew he was better with theory than casting, so he remained in Vigil’s Keep while others went on missions around Ferelden.  
  
The tunnel sent shivers up his spine. His darkspawn-sense tingled, and he knew they lurked nearby. Felix kept his staff outstretched, following the marks on the ground indicating people passed through here recently. His heart leaped as he thought of Carver leading the group.  
  
The sounds of fighting up ahead echoed off the cavern walls. _Carver_ , he thought. Felix felt dread well inside him, but ran toward the noise anyway.  
  
Chaos. Limbs and bodies were strewn across the ground in bloody piles, red smears across the walls, the only light from torches dropped to the ground, slowly burning themselves out. Felix threw a wisp into the air, illuminating them in a sickly green light and making the darkspawn look even more horrible and horrifying than usual.  
  
Two Wardens lay on the ground, lifeless or close to it. Sigrun appeared from the shadows to jab her twin daggers into a darkspawn’s back before disappearing once again. Her tattoos were invisible through the grime and the blood covering her, and she favored her left arm when attacking. Felix threw a weak bolt of lightning at her opponent, frying it as she finished it off with a slice to its throat.  
  
Carver fought further down the passage, clearly trying to keep the majority of the horde from Sigrun. Fear rushed through Felix at the sight: a wound bled profusely from his forehead, his swings grew weak and clumsy, he leaned too heavily on his right leg, and he was surrounded on all sides by darkspawn. Sigrun rushed into the fray, taking down some of the injured enemies, but there were still far too many.  
  
In that moment, Felix knew this was the end. With only the three of them, two seriously injured and Felix weak from travel, against at least eight darkspawn he could see and more he could sense, this couldn’t end well. Felix gritted his teeth and centered himself, gathering mana with steadying breaths. He sent a channel of healing magic into Carver, hoping it could keep him alive for just long enough. Carver spun around in confusion, looking for where the magic came from. When his eyes landed on Felix, his expression collapsed into shock and fear, and Felix felt it like a stab in the gut.  
  
A darkspawn took the second of distraction to sink a blade deep into Carver’s shoulder, and his roar of pain echoed off the dank walls. Felix threw up a barrier over him and sent a weak lightning bolt into the crowd of darkspawn. Carver swung his greatsword around, taking the darkspawn’s head clean off, but on the downswing he stumbled.  
  
Sigrun harassed the others for the few seconds it took Carver to get back onto his feet, and Felix threw fireballs at the distracted darkspawn.  
  
Between the three of them, they managed to kill the last enemies, but at a cost. Carver fell onto his knees as soon as the last darkspawn went down, swaying dangerously. Felix ran to him, catching the man before he faceplanted onto the dusty floor. Sigrun held her side and limped over, collapsing beside them.  
  
“No, no, no, no no no,” Felix whispered as he cradled Carver’s body in his lap and looked into Carver’s face. Behind the blood and the tainted grime, his skin was deathly pale. Blood trickled from the cut to his forehead, matting his beard. The wound in his shoulder cleaved too deep, exposing bone and muscle, and combining that with his twisted knee and the other assorted injuries, the future seemed grim.  
  
Carver raised his less damaged arm to caress Felix’s face with cold fingers. “You… you’re here. Why are you here?”  
  
Felix choked on a lump in his throat. “I found it. I found the cure.” He thought of his pack laying a few yards away, dropped thoughtlessly at the sight of Carver, containing four vials of the life-saving liquid. Useless, now.  
  
Carver’s face did not change. “I knew you could, I just—“ A deep, wracking cough interrupted him, and when he sucked in a deep breath, his teeth and mouth filled with deep red. Carver’s heavy plate dug into Felix’s thighs, and he wheezed heavily.  
  
This couldn’t be happening. After everything, after finding the cure and rushing here as fast as he could, and Felix was too late. He pressed his hand against the deepest wound and forced a weak trickle of magic into it, trying to heal what was irreparably broken.  
  
Sigrun wheezed, and Felix looked over at the sound. She lay on her side, back against the wall, with one hand pressed to her torso and the other still gripping a blade. Her expression was dour, and she shook her head minutely. She pulled her hand away from her side and it came away dark with blood.  
  
Felix pulled at the Fade, testing his remaining mana. He had never been the strongest mage and never in his life had he regretted it as much. If he was only a little stronger, if he had only practiced with Dorian more, if, if, if.  
  
He pushed what little mana he had left into taking Carver’s pain away, instantly easing his furrowed brow, but it wasn’t enough to heal any of his injuries. The wisp lighting the dank tunnel flickered slightly, and Felix knew it wasn’t long before it would go out for good, unsustainable while Felix kept Carver alive.  
  
“Carver,” he whispered. Hot tears rolled down Felix’s face. Since collapsing, Carver’s eyes never left Felix’s, watching his every movement with awe and pain and love. Felix’s head bowed and he cradled Carver further into his chest. “I thought, if I came, if I brought the cure…”  
  
Carver grew too weak to lift his arms, so he squeezed Felix’s hand in a limp grip. “You came.” Carver’s shallow breaths faltered. “Fee, kiss me.”  
  
Felix nodded and swallowed his tears. He bent to press their lips together. Carver tasted metallic with blood and dirt gritty on Felix’s lips. He loved this man more than anything, and while he knew he could have survived without him in Vigil’s Keep, that future looked bleak. Alone, with the other Wardens pitying him for however many years remained. Felix knew his own Calling approached, and this seemed a better time than any to go out, at Carver’s side.  
  
The darkspawn-sense in the back of his head tingled into awareness, and the bottom of Felix’s stomach swooped. They were on their way. Felix lifted his head from Carver’s mouth and glanced over at Sigrun, whose eyes widened as she felt the darkspawn too. She nodded with her lips pressed in a grim line, and she pushed off the ground to stand wobbly on her feet.  
  
Felix squeezed Carver’s hand and shifted, bringing them to their feet with Carver leaning heavily onto Felix’s shoulders. “Are you ready, _amatus_?”  
  
Carver’s eyes dilated in the darkness and bored into Felix. “I’m with you.”  
  
Felix nodded. He gripped his staff in one hand and Carver’s back in the other. Darkspawn rumbled in the dark recesses of the tunnel, creeping closer. Their shrieks reached a fever pitch as they scented the three last Wardens.  
  
At least, at the end, they were together. In this, in everything.


	4. alternate ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY. have an alternate (happy) ending to make up for the pain. 
> 
> but tell me about your pain because I thrive on making people cry <3

Carver brooded as he stared into the fire. He took the first watch of the night, and the other Wardens’ snoring calmed him in a way.   
  
The woods here at the base of the Frostback Mountains were dense, thick trees surrounding their small camp. Small animals crept through the underbrush, creating the only external sounds Carver could hear. Otherwise, the song curled around his brain, distracting him and pulling him toward the Deep Roads. They would arrive in Orzammar the next day, and Carver felt unease and relief build in him simultaneously.  
  
As usual, his thoughts drifted back to Felix. Carver wondered what he was doing at that moment, if he was sleeping or taking care of himself. The man had a tendency to throw himself into his work so deeply that he would forget, only ever leaving his almost hypnotic state to make sure Carver himself was alright. It was as infuriating as it was endearing.   
  
It had been fifteen years, and Felix still took care of him the same as when they first met. Carver wouldn’t have survived the transition into being Warden Commander if Felix hadn’t taken care of him.   
  
It had started as partnership, after leaving Skyhold. Carver was brittle with fury at Marian for leaving him, abandoning him once again _for his own good._ Felix soothed that hurt despite Carver’s resistance all the way back to Vigil’s Keep. It felt too much like pity for Carver to accept with any grace, so he bit and snapped, made Felix’s life as difficult as possible. Carver still doesn’t know why Felix kept trying.  
  
The next year, when Warden Commander Howe left on his own Calling, others put Carver’s name forward to take his place. That had been a rough transition. As Carver stared into the fire, a memory played out behind his eyes, one of his first major mistakes as Warden Commander.   
  
The knock startled him. Carver wiped his face with his hands and cleared his throat before looking up.  
  
Felix Alexius stood in the door and Carver scoffed. “What, come to gloat?”  
  
Alexius’ brow creased. “Of course not, I only—“ his voice was soft and pitying and Carver wanted to punch him.  
  
“Get out. I don’t need this.”  
  
Alexius hesitated, pausing where he stood, halfway inside Carver’s office. He was out of uniform in a soft tunic and trousers, but despite the late hour did not seem to have gotten any sleep. “Carver, you—“  
  
“No!” Carver shouted and stood, slamming his palms on his desk. “I don’t need your sympathies or your pity or any Maker-damned thing from you!”  
  
Carver could see Alexius’ throat work as he swallowed, and Carver shoved down the feeling it raised in his belly. Carver wanted to drink and brood, not deal with Alexius’ feelings.  
  
“Carver.”  
  
“Warden Commander,” Carver spat. Alexius’ brows came together as if he were wounded, and Carver felt a pang of guilt for a moment. He held onto that pain. He needed the distance, so that when Alexius inevitably got killed under his order, Carver wouldn’t feel it.   
  
Alexius’ jaw clenched. “Warden Commander,” and despite the sass in his tone, at least it wasn’t as familiar as his given name. “It wasn’t your fault.”  
  
Carver felt the simmering embers in his chest, the ones he guarded so carefully over the past two days, finally stoke into a flame of rage. “Bullshit! It was my order. I told them to investigate the new entrance. I didn’t send enough people, and I knew the danger, and now they’re dead. It’s on me.” He swallowed through the thick knot forming in his throat. “I take responsibility. I’m the Warden Commander now, even if I didn’t want it, the others did. So it’s on my shoulders, and they’re all—“ Carver choked. His legs fell out from under him and he collapsed into his chair again.  
  
He couldn’t stop the tears or the sobs, the snot dripping from his nose or the gurgle in his chest. The grief crashed over him, like a wave drowning an unsuspecting swimmer, and Carver was swept away.   
  
It was his fault. He could have done more. He sent five Wardens because he didn’t know any better, should have known better. A scout reported light darkspawn activity at a possible new entrance to the Deep Roads only a few miles from Orzammar. Less than a dozen darkspawn they said, and Carver figured that five Senior Wardens would be enough to beat them back, close the entrance, and make it home. What a bloody clusterfuck it had actually been. Carver should have sent another scout team to check just inside the entrance, to find where the darkspawn lurked. They overwhelmed the squad and all five perished. Under his watch, under his orders.   
  
The Seneschal and the other Senior Wardens had been sympathetic when the news came back. “No one could have known,” they said. Carver knew that was bullshit. The Hero of Ferelden would have known. Warden Commander Howe would have known. Literally anyone else would have known, except Carver. And he killed them.   
  
Arms came around him, pulling him into an embrace. Carver pressed his face into the shoulder, and felt himself rocked back and forth, slow and calm. Eventually Carver’s sobs tapered off, he breathed deep and easy, and he pulled away.   
  
Felix was too close, kneeling before him on this side of the desk, looking into his face. One of his hands came up to brush against Carver’s ear and cheek, and Carver’s eyes shut. He leaned into the soft touch. “Carver, I’m so sorry.”  
  
Carver nodded, keeping his eyes closed and focusing on his breathing.   
  
“Those men and women gave their life for the Order. They knew what could happen, and they followed you. They _wanted you_ to be the Commander here, and they trusted you. You did the best you could, and no one blames you.”  
  
Carver felt the burning behind his puffy eyes again, and he squeezed them harder. Felix’s hands kept moving, one on his back and one through his hair, keeping him grounded. “I’m sorry this is so painful, but it’s part of your responsibility now. I would be much more afraid if you brushed off their deaths with no more feeling than a chess player sacrificing pawns. You care so deeply, and that’s why we trust you.”  
  
Carver felt something inside his chest unlock. He opened his eyes again and Felix was there, steady. Felix’s lips twitched in a smile. “I trust you.”   
  
Carver exhaled hard through his nose. “Felix, I…”  
  
“Shh, you don’t have to say anything."  
  
Carver shook his head and pulled away, Felix’s hands dropping to fold in his lap and sitting back on his heels. “I don’t understand. Why do you trust me?”  
  
Felix’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”  
  
Carver clenched his fists on his knees. “I mean, I’ve been an ass to you. I didn’t want to help you in Redcliffe, and I’ve called you nothing but trouble since you started following me, and I didn’t even want you here in Vigil’s Keep for the longest time. What… Why?”  
  
Felix tilted his head, and Carver squirmed. He knew his eyes were still puffy and swollen, his nose red and flushed, and he must have looked a complete mess. He felt like a mess.  
  
“After Adamant,” and Carver knew what was coming, so he turned his head, unable to handle Felix’s attention. “After your sister died for you. She died for the world, but she died to make sure you specifically lived. Your first action was to go and tell Varric. Before taking care of the Order, before taking care of your own injuries, you made sure the only other person who knew her like that got the news first-hand. I could see how it wrecked the both of you, but you kept going. You could have stopped and given up. You could have sought revenge, followed her back into the Fade, or done things more self-destructive than that. But you continued. You kept going, and I wanted to follow you. I did follow you. Even when you didn’t want me to.”  
  
Carver felt heat rise in his cheeks. He had been such an asshole to Felix, resentful of the man’s optimism and easy way with words. Felix had been an easy target for the brunt of his anger, and took it with grace.   
  
“I’m sorry,” he croaked. Felix rested a gentle hand on Carver’s shoulder.  
  
“I know. I forgive you. You were hurting. But that’s why I trust you, Carver. And even if you make a decision that turns out badly, I know you have good intentions and a good heart. Every Warden here would follow you into battle. That’s why you’re leading us.”  
  
Carver’s head fell between his shoulders. He released a deep breath, dragged it from the bottom of his lungs, and tried to let go. When he looked up, Felix’s dark eyes bored into his own.    
  
Carver’s lips parted. Felix’s eyes no longer held pity, they held strength and commitment, and Carver wanted to be a part of that.   
  
He leaned forward, brushing their mouths together in the lightest of kisses. Felix’s hands rose to grip Carver’s shoulders. Felix tilted his head, dragging his lips across Carver’s, and Carver sighed.   
  
Carver felt something inside him slide into place, like a key in a lock, perfectly aligned. He wondered why he fought this for so long, tried to distance himself when they could have had this.   
  
A rustle in the bushes brought Carver out of his memory and back to reality in a split second. He reached for his greatsword with slow movements, trying not to spook whoever lurked nearby. He rose into a defensive crouch and waited. The campfire embers flickered and popped, everything else silent, and Carver’s awareness focused solely on the intruder. He didn’t sense darkspawn, but there were more dangers than just darkspawn in the woods. He—   
  
Felix crashed through the bushes, coming to a halt just before the fire. Carver blinked and his arms fell an inch. Felix’s face fell in relief and a wide grin split his face.   
  
“What. Felix. What are you doing here?” Carver replaced his greatsword beside him and moved to where Felix stared openly at him.  
  
“I,” Felix began, before taking a deep breath. Carver realized he was panting, probably having run through the forest for some Maker-damned reason.  
  
Carver’s brain kicked in and anger filled his chest. “Felix, what the fuck? It’s dangerous out here! Are you alone? You could have been ambushed! You look awful, like you haven’t slept in— Of course, you haven’t slept since I left, that’s just like you. What—“  
  
Felix lurched to grab him in an embrace, and his shoulders shook where they pressed into Carver’s chest. Carver’s arms wrapped around him, and he couldn’t help the way his face nestled into the curve of Felix’s skull. “Really, Fee. This is… so stupid. I thought I was supposed to be the stupid one here, and you the reasonable one.”  
  
Felix shook his head and pulled back a few inches to look into Carver’s face. “I did it. I found the cure.”  
  
Carver blinked. “You, what?”  
  
A smile crept over Felix’s face. “I can cure you. I found the recipe in an old journal kept by a Warden Commander in the Towers Age, before it was buried deep. I cross-referenced the list of those ingredients with an alchemical method that hadn’t been seen since Ancient times, and I’m not one hundred percent sure it will work but,” the light in his eyes made Carver’s belly twist, “I’m pretty sure.”   
  
Carver swallowed, then exhaled in a not-quite laugh. “I knew you would find something. You’re just… Maker. I knew you’d figure it out, I just…”  
  
Felix crushed Carver to him again briefly before stepping away to rummage through his pack. He emerged with a vial the size of a fist, glowing with a sickly blue-green color. Carver took it in shaky hands and stared at it for a moment.  
  
Felix moved back into Carver’s space, a warm bulwark against his side. Carver uncapped the vial and threw it back in one long drink. He grimaced after finishing and he dropped his arm back to his side. He didn’t feel any different. He looked at Felix, whose hopeful expression overwhelmed him.  
  
“Fee, I didn’t expect you to come for me like that. I…” He ducked his head and Felix pressed him into another embrace. “I love you.”  
  
“I love you too, _amatus_. Anything, for you.” Carver smiled into Felix’s hair and something like peace filled his chest.


End file.
